Was it all a dream?

I just spent five months in Germany.

In a few short hours, my family is going to come pick me up, we're going to do some touristing and meet up with relatives, and then it's back home for the summer.  Three long lazy months later, back to college.  Good old normal college life, with friends and fun classes and things happening.

The past semester is a blur.  I feel like I just got here, and just started figuring things out and feeling comfortable with the language and meeting people and just getting myself organized.  It feels like only a week or so ago that our jetlagged group was dragged down to the city center to register.  We were all so confused and tired and had so much paperwork thron at us, while starting our class of people who all already knew each other.  Not to mention buying food, cooking food, buying cooking implements, laundry detergent, etc., etc. 

And now it's over.  Just like that.  Like a dream.  A break from reality that does not quite make sense, but you simply accept it.  That seems to go on forever until suddenly it is over.  And once it is over, it is relegated to some dusy corner of memory with all the other odd but useless bits.  Because none of it ever actually happened. 

I could wake up in my bed at home and find that the whole past year never happened, that I need to get ready for fall semester of sophomore year, and that there is still time to do things differently.  How, I am not sure.  Switch my program, make it a full year in Austria.  Spend less time with certain people.  Or maybe more time - maybe if I had been more careful, none of it would have happened (I have not posted anything here about the shitstorm of last semester.  Just think Rent without the AIDS.  Well, metaphorical AIDS.  And no musical numbers either.)

Only time doesn't work like that.  In the words of Die Aertzte "Du hast nur dies eine Leben/Wenn's vorbei ist, ist's vorbei."  You just have this one life, and when it's passed, then it is past.  Memories stack up on each other, and there is no way to go back and change them. Everything is forever.

Yes, I did have sort of a mental crisis here.  A few of them actually.

But I got better.

That's another funny thing.  I got better just as I am about to leave, even though I don't know why.  Probably just positive attitude change from the prospect of seeing my family again.  After all, this place and time caused me so many problems, it's not like it would turn around and fix any for me, would it?

It is a dream because I don't feel any different upon waking.  Real life changes you.  Dreams don't. 

Getting a bit wishy-washy here, so I'll post again when I figure out what I'm actually trying to say.

The Beginning of the End

I have just spent the last five months studying in Germany.  And there you go, gushing about how jealous you are, and how it was the time of my life, and did I do a ton of travelling, and my German must be so much better now.  No. 

This semester has been the worst five months of my life, but I am through bitching about it.  I am not allowed to think about wasted time.  I am going to make this into a positive experience. Somehow.

Things I learned in Germany:

1.  German is not cool when everyone speaks it.
2.  Only Americans think German is cool.
3.  I still do not like being a tourist.
4.  It is no easier making friends abroad than at home.
5.  I have not left high school behind me as thoroughly as I thought.
6.  It sucks when people die.
7.  Stuffed animals are necessary for psychological well-being.
8.  I need people. 
9.  Written translation work is fun.  Speaking is not.
10.  I have serious psychological issues that will one day need to be dealt with.
11.  Grown-ups are useless.
12.  I like trains.
13.  Cooking is only fun if there is someone to eat with.
14.  I do not like small towns.
15.  I cannot go five months without peanut butter; In fact, I can't go one month.
16. The point of travel is not where you go, but who you're with.
17.  If you leave your cabinet unlocked, expect your bread to be stolen.
18.  The internet is full of things - like the first three seasons of Digimon on youtube. 
19.  Being a foreigner sucks.
20.  I still like anime.
21.  Expecting one event to solve all your problems is a bad idea.
22.  When deciding where to spend a significant portion of one's life, go by more criteria than just what looks pretty.

"Frostfire" by Kai Meyer - Chapter 2, Part 4/4

            Kukushka had explained to Mouse that some in the hotel entertained the suspicion that the Roundsman worked for the Secret Police as an informant.  That was a rumor that Mouse was all too ready to give credit to. The men and women of the Secret Police were hated in the entire Czardom because of their malice and cruelty.  The idea that of all people Mouse’s archenemy should be one of these seemed to her to be so obvious, that she had sometimes wondered if she had not come to it by herself.  A spy!  Of course!

            And this monstrosity of a man, this cunning traitor, had selected her for his personal favorite victim. Mouse, who had no other name than that; who had been born in this hotel and had not left since; who all called the Girl-Boy because her body was so thin and her hair was short stubble; of all people, she had drawn his wrath and his all-knowing eyes upon herself.

            She was done for.  Had she really thought that she could trick him by hiding her stolen good in a shoe?

            She closed her eyes and waited for what would happen next.

            The pressure of his hands on her upper arms eased.  Right away the hope began to creep up on her that he would be gone like some kind of phantom when she opened her eyes.

            But of course he was not gone.  He stood there and stared at her.  Completely motionless, his features so stiff as though they had been molded from clay.

            “I’m watching you,” he whispered.

            She nodded clumsily.

            “And I always know what you’re doing.”

            At that she was shaken by such a shudder that she instinctively whirled around and fled.  She ran back around the corner, down the long, ice cold landing, and past the Czar’s Suite without throwing a second glance at the shoes.  She could come back later and take them for cleaning.

            The Roundsman stayed back behind the bend, but she could tell by his shadow that he still stood there, waiting, motionless.  And perhaps it was only his shadow, and he himself was long gone somewhere else.

            I’m watching you.

            She took his word for it.

            She swept around another corner, along wood-panelled walls, away under chandeliers, the diadems of glass stones clinking in the draft from her flight.

            I always know what you’re doing.

            She was wretched by the time she reached the elevator grate.

            “Hello, Mouse!”

Die Welt ist Schwul

"Die Welt ist Schwul" ("The World is Gay"), from German rap artist Blumio and featuring Jessica Jean:

I don't have the best ability to comprehend lyrics, especially rap lyrics, even in English, but as near as I can tell, the German text goes something like this:

Ich bin ein durchschnittlicher männlicher Bürger

Ich bin ein gesunder Geist in dem menschlichen Körper

Hab’ ein ganz normaler Junge, der auf Hip-Hop steht

Ich bin tolerant, doch Schwulen find’ ich nicht ok

Immerhin hat der liebe Gott Adam und Eve erschaffen

Und es liegt nicht in Seine Natur, Fehler zu machen, naja

Ist dann meine Meinung, aber nun, genuger Quatsch

Ich gehe jetzt in Bett schon, Leute.  Also Gute Nacht!

Schlaf, Schlaf, Schlaf, Schlaf Schlaf

Was, schon so früh?  (… …) aufgestanden

Um zehn Uhr treffe ich mit meine Liebe (vor … …en)

Ich gehe vor die Tur – ah, da steht sie ja schon

Hi Schatz – ja, dann gehen wir mal los

(…) scheint auch die Sonne, die letzen Tagen waren sehr dürftig

Aber Baby, warte mal, irgendwas ist merkwürdig

Viele Schwule Paare heute im Park unterwegs

Muss auf achten,nicht zu ihm mit dem Arschen zu weg!

Verstehst du doch mal im ernst, aber ist ‘ne komische Frage

Aber ist dann heute irgendso eine Romaparade?

Hm, naja, egal, Ich küss meine Frau auf die Wacke

Ein Opa schreit Du Schweine konnte zu Hause machen!

Was?  Ist doch voll normal!

Was soll denn dieser Scheisse?

Ist doch schön wenn ich meine Lieb’ zu meiner Liebe zeigen

Ich frage mich hin, was für eine Gegen ich bin

Alter, wo zum Teufel (… …) all die Heteros sind?

Die Welt ist schwul.  Nananananaaaa

Die Leute zeigen auf mich und die sagen, ist eigentlich   normal

Verdammt, die Welt ist schwul.  Nananananananaaaa

Ich werde diskriminiert doch die meisten … ist das egal

Was ist hier los, man?  Ich (…)  (den mächtigen Körper?)

Wo ich auch hinschaue sehe ich schwule und lesbische Paare

Viele schauen schräg an – was wollen diese (verflixten)?

Auf in drüben stehen Jugendliche die über uns Witze machen

He, heute schon Pimmel in die Scheide gesteckt?

Oder als Mann bei der Frau zwischen den Beinen gelegt?

Warum fragen sie so sinnlosen, schmutzigen (…)

Wie (be…) Hetero als Schimpfwort benutzen

Oh, mein Chef ist voller Asi-Mann (der ist voll) hetero

Guck mal die (weiden kommen auf, auf ein) ‘etero

Ich bin verwirrt.  Wie ist das voll zum (achsen an)

Ich muss weg.  Ich geh zum Haus

Und mach erstmal die Gloze an

(… … …)

Die meinen dass man in andere Länder sogar Heteros (…)

(…) soll ich mein Leben verbringen?

Der Papst sagt, dass ich in die Hölle kommen wenn ich Hetero bin

Die Welt is schwul.  Nananananananaaaa…

Die Leute zeigen auf mich und die sagen, ist eigentlich   normal

Verdammt, die Welt ist schwul.  Nananananananaaaa

Ich werde diskriminiert doch die meisten … ist das egal

Ich wollte mich nächste Woche mit meine Frau Irena verloben

Aber in Deutschland ist die Hetero-Ehe verboten

Jeder hat ne gleich berechtliche Stimme  - so eine Lüge!

Was kann ich dafür, dass ich mich zu Frauen hingezogen fühle?

Dabei ist es doch Liebe – es sind die gleichen Gefühle

Wenn ich gleich auch meine Partnerin auf andere Weise verfügen!

Es ist trotz allerdem dieselbe Kribbe in die Lagen gehen

A(…) diese Liebe, die schimmernde Hoffnung in der Leben(…)

Doch Komplett auf anderen Leute sind echt ‘ne Realiität

Man (… …) reduziert auf die sexualität

Ich bin ein Kerl, esse gern Pizza und die Strand (…)

Doch weil ich Frauen mag, weigern manche an mich zu (reichen)

So unter Hitler waren die Heteros gejagdt

Ich gehe raus und ich hefte die Regenbogen Flagge

Warum hasst die uns?  Nichts wird daraus besser!

Dann lieg ich in meinem Bett, und ich hör mal die Wecker

Es war alles nur ein Traum, doch es hat sich in mein Kopf verbrannt

Ich geh ins Wohnzimmer und mache die Glotze an

Ich sehe ein Komedien, wie er Witze über Schwule weiss

Ich denke mir, dass kann doch eigentlich nicht gutes sein

Nie wieder schwulfrei!

Die Welt ist schwul...

The English approximation:

I’m your average male citizen

I’m a healthy spirit in a human body

Have a completely normal son that likes hip-hop

I’m tolerant, but I don’t think the gays are okay

Anyway, the Lord God, made Adam and Eve

And it’s not in His nature to make mistakes

That’s my opinion, but enough nonsense

I’m going to bed, folks, so goodnight!

Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep

What, already that early?  I get up (…)

At ten I meet with my lover  for (…)

I go to the door – ah, she’s already there

Hi, darling  - now let’s go!

It’s good to see the sun, the last few days were pretty poor

But baby, wait a moment – something is strange here.

A lot of gay couples walking around in the park

Got to be careful not to let let them look at my ass

No, but seriously, it’s an odd question

But is there some kind of a gypsy parade today?

Hm, oh well.  I kiss my girl on the cheek

A grandpa yells “You pigs can do that at home!”

What?  But it’s completely normal?

What is this shit?

It’s nice when I show my love to my love!

I ask myself, what kind of a weirdo am I?

Old man, where the hell are all the have all the straight people gone?

The world is gay.  Nanananananaaaa.

People point at me and say that’s completely normal.

Dammit, the world is gay.   Nanananananaaaaa.

I’m discrimated against, and most people don’t really care.

What’s going on, man?  I (… … ….)

Wherever I look are gay and lesbian pairs.

People look at me weird – what, are they trying to (…)?

Over there some kids are making jokes about us.

“Hey, have you put dick in a vagina today?

Or laid between her legs like a man with a woman?”

Why are they asking such dirty, pointless (…)?

And everywhere I hear hetero used as an insult!

“Oh, my boss is a jerk, he’s so hetero.”

“Look at (… … …) hetero!”

I’m confused. What is this (…)?

I have to get away, I go home, and turn the TV on

“(…)”

They say that in other countries, heteros even get killed!

And how am I supposed to spend my life?

The Pope says that I’m going to Hell if I’m straight!

The world is gay.  Nanananananaaaa…

I wanted to marry my girlfriend Irena next week

But in Germany, gay marriage is illegal!

Everyone has an equally counted voice – what a lie!

How can I help it if I’m attracted to women?

It’s still love – it’s the same feelings

When I, like my partner, am attracted to opposite gender

Despite all that, it’s the same tingling in the same place

This love that is a shimmering hope in the life (…)

But to other people, it’s a harsh reality,

(… … …) the sexuality?

I’m just a guy, I like pizza and the beach,

But because I like women, people refuse to serve me.

Like how straight people were hunted down by Hitler!

I go outside and wave a rainbow flag

Why do they hate us?  It won’t make anything better!

And then I lie in my bed and hear my alarm clock again

It was all just a dream, but it burned in my head

I go to the living room and turn the TV on

I see a comedian, and how he knows jokes about gay people

I think to myself, that can’t be anything good…

Never again gay-free!

The world is gay.  Nanananananaaaa…

The Post in Which I Talk About Gay Marriage

So right now Minnesota's government is discussing a ban on gay marriage.

I, unfortunately, am not registered to vote in Minnesota, and so have confined my activities to getting entangled in a comment war on Facebook.  At least my friend who originally posted this is an ally.  A good ally. 

See, a recurring motif of the people who commented was "I have gay friends, but I don't think gay people should get married because the Bible says no."  I am not going to argue the religious aspect.  I do not care what you do in the privacy of your own home - and honestly, people with those opinions aren't going to change them unless they want to.  What bothers me is the hypocrisy. 

If you can look someone in the eye and tell them that you never want them to get married, are you truly their friend?  If you tell your friends that it's okay that they are gay, but you are trying to "change yourself for God," do you think they really believe that you are okay with the gay?  And if you say it's okay for people to be gay, as long as they don't get married, then are you really approving of the gay?

It also bugs me how people think they can just say anything, as long as they follow it with "But I have gay friends, so I'm not homophobic."  Do you think your gay friends approve of your favorite complaint being "That's so gay!"  Do you think a piece of their souls does not quietly wilt every time they hear that phrase? 

Back to marriage.

I think our society has progressed to the point where homophobia is for the most part frowned upon.  Most people will say they don't mind gay people in theory; what other people do in the privacy of their home is their own business.  But being gay is not confined to the privacy of one's own home.  You take it with you to school, to work, to parties, to the grocery store, to the dentist, to the voting booth.

Being married is not confined to the privacy of your own home.  You display the ring for the world to see.  Women go from Miss to Mrs.  In casual conversation, the second question after "How are you?" is "How is your significant other/family?"  You go together to neighborhood get-togethers and family obligations.  When you fill out forms and surveys, you check the box labelled "Married."

That is why gay marriage is frowned upon by apparent non-homophobes.  Gay is okay, as long as no one sees it.  Marriage is far too in your face.  Let's just go back to the subculture of the 1950's.

The problem with people who do not use logic to back up their arguments is that it is impossible to use logic to counter them.

And so now that I have a proverbial bruise from proverbially banging my head against the wall, I leave you with the reason more people should know German:

Lyrics and translation to follow in next post.

"Frostfire" - By Kai Meyer. Chapter 2, Part 3/4

[Dear Readers:  I apologize for the hiatus in translation.  My copy of the book was due at the library.  The good news is that I have been able to purchase a copy of "Frostfeuer" (secondhand and paperback; quite reasonable), so that the translations will not stop when I return to the States, even if it might take me a while to post them.]

            He grabbed her under her arms, lifted her effortlessly from the floor, and waited until she had stopped struggling. Her face was now level with his.

            “Mouse,” was all he said.  The way and manner with which he intoned her name suggested that her final hours were at hand.

            He was the watchman of the hotel.  Each night drew him alone on his rounds through the Aurora, just like Mouse, and no one knew what his real name was.

            He was big – almost twice as tall as Mouse – and his shoulders seemed to her to be as wide as the corridor.  His hands were like shovels, and seemed to have been made only to tear off the heads of thieves like her.  He had an enormous, flat face, whose cheekbones were so far apart from one another that from close up, Mouse could see them only out of the corners of her eyes:  His body, coarse as though it were carved out of solid rock, took up her entire field of vision.

            “Mouse,” he said again, and this time it sounded even more threatening.

            “Let me go!”  She tried to kick him with her feet, which despite her fear seemed a little ridiculous. A gnat would hardly have been more dangerous to him.

            In fact, after one more unfathomable look, he set her on the ground, but still held her arm fast with his left hand, while his right began to search her uniform.

            “The pockets,” he said.

            In fact, she was quite happy that he was holding on to her.  Who knew if her trembling knees could have held her of their own power?

            “Pockets,” he rumbled again.

            It took her a moment to realize what he wanted of her.  It was a little bit as though she were trying to decipher the gruntings of an animal.

            With shaking fingers, she turned out the insides of her pockets.  Out of one fell a hazelnut.  That was all.

            The Roundsman raised an eyebrow.

            “That’s hardly anything,” she said sharply, because she remembered that attack was supposed to be the best defense.  But whoever had come up with that saying had probably done so in the comfortable safety of an armchair, not in a moment of greatest danger.

            “Hmm?” he grunted, and bent forward threateningly.  She grew dizzy at the sight of this human tower.

            “I didn’t swipe anything,” she said doggedly.

            That was stupid, it occurred to her.  He had not even accused her of stealing something.  Now he knows that you have a bad conscience.

            The danger of the Roundsman was not so much his size and power.  It was more the fact that one underestimated him.  Sure, he was big, and could send you to the beyond any time with a single blow.  But at the same time his monosyllables make him appear clumsy as an overgrown child – and Mouse could not let go of the thought that he generated this impression entirely on purpose.  Secretly, she was convinced the Roundsman possessed a razor-sharp cunning.  When he wanted to, he could move noiselessly as a cat despite his colossal form.  Sometimes he unexpectedly stood right behind someone when they least expected him.  Not to forget each moment when he seemed to be in several places at once.   And even when he was not actually there himself, his eyes and ears were ever-present.

            In his eyes, she read the knowledge that she had stolen the brooch.  He knew it, like he did every time.

Deconstructions

I predict that within 10 years, Hollywood will have made a movie about Osama bin Laden's death.  It makes a great story, after all.  Those rugged, underdog, freedom-loving Americans taking down that evil warlord.

And now for something (almost) completely different.

We know the formulas.  We know what to expect from your typical action movie, romantic comedy, superhero movie, or fairy tale.  That is why "historical" based movies (as well as movies that come from books, or in fact any other source material) suffer so badly.  They have to be shoehorned into the mold, often distorted beyond recognition.

However, there has been a recent trend among moviemakers and novel writers of deconstructing the familiar motifs.  With varying degrees of success.  Superhero stories with a sympathetic villain, for instance.  Or fractured fairy tales.  These deconstructions fall into three types.

1)  Satirical deconstruction, in which the story is written using the formula in order to make fun of itself.  Slapstick comedy.

2)  Brutal Deconstruction, in which the story is shown to have a darker, often gorier side.  Keyword, ick.

3)  Practical Deconstruction, in which the story is played straight, but tries to act more realistic.  Focus on characters.

And if you don't want to take my word for it, I have a long list of examples.

The main culprits for the formula/deconstruction trap are variants of the Hero's Journey - namely, Superheroes, Fairy Tales, and fantasy literature.  For instance, a satirical deconstruction of the superhero genre would be...well take your pick.  I have not seen "Kick-Ass," but from the trailers I believe it one of these.  What I am familiar with is the film "Mystery Men."  A ragtag group of heroes with some awkward superpowers defeat a not very memorable villain.  Played for laughs.

A brutal deconstruction, on the other hand, is Watchmen, both the film and the graphic novel. No superpowers, just the silly costumes and crime-fighting.  The characters are set along a scale of pathetic idealist to villain who kind of has a point.

The closest thing to a practical deconstruction that I am familiar with is "The Incredibles."  Yes, it follows the typical superhero pattern, but it has a few deconstructive elements.  It might almost be considered a family drama. 

Now for Fairy Tales.  You know what I'm going to say.  Yep.  Shrek (Note that "Fairy Tale" in this sense is more of the Disneyfied version, rather than actual folk legends).  In fact, Shrek was created by a disgruntled former Disney employee and is essentially a declaration of war on the entire Disney franchise.  Need I say more?

A brutal deconstruction is, without a doubt, Gregory Maguire.  Author of Wicked.  No, not the musical - that got re-Disneyfied until it wasn't sure what it was supposed to be anymore and sucked.  Good music, though. 

A practical deconstruction is harder to pin down.  I have not seen "Enchanted," so cannot offer any opinion on that.  Perhaps "Ever After."  She marries the prince after talking and having an actual relationship with him, and becomes a princess to actually take care of the people in the kingdom.

And of course my passion, fantasy.  You may have gathered by now that as much as I love this genre, I love to hate it as well. 

Terry Pratchett is definitely the iconic satirical deconstructor.  I have only read one of his books, so I don't have much to say about it, but there isn't really that much to say.

Brutal deconstructions of fantasy have been gaining in popularity.  Terry Goodkind was the first one I have been aware of.  Before he went all crazy anti-socialist and still thought he was writing a fantasy epic.  Very...detailed battle scenes.  Other writers such as Mercedes Lackey sometimes attempt to do this, and heap misfortune and trauma upon their characters, but somehow at the end, all the important people get to ride away on their pretty white horse with seemingly no lasting psychological harm.  This is a case of Failed Deconstruction.

My very favorite books ever - The Last Rune series, by Mark Anthony - is a practical deconstruction of fantasy.  In fact, it is hardly a deconstruction at all.  The story is played completely straight, with the ordinary protagonist from the Real World becoming the prophecized Hero who has to save the Pseudo-Medieval European Fantasyland from a Dark Lord.  The reasons that this series is not cliche garbage are many and subtle, so I will only mention one:  Anthony treats his characters like real people.  All of them.  He also (okay, two) strikes a very delicate balance between "Good always wins," and "The world sucks."

What did any of this have to do with bin Laden? 

The key to a practical deconstruction is making the story realistic, which also has the effect of making the story complex.  But complex stories don't make money.  When we go see a movie for an afternoon's entertainment, we want to be entertained.  We don't want to think.  That is why formulas are so useful.  The audience already knows what is going to happen and can enjoy the movie without any major worries. 

Bin Laden's death changes nothing, and I don't have to know anything about politics to be certain of that.  Al-Qaeda is not going to fall apart like the army of orcs at the end of Lord of the Rings.  But America is so locked into our ideals/formulas/tropes/narratives that we fail to realize that.  Real life is a messy and boring deconstruction of fiction that nobody wants to read.