San Francisco - Days 3-4

The days are starting to blur together into a montage of movie theaters.

Day 3 we got our storyboard approved.  And my video still sucks, but I'm getting better.  I think. 

I skipped the girls shorts (films) to see a documentary about the history of San Francisco as a gay city, which sounded interesting and I wanted to solicit the director, but it did not have Amber Benson in it.  It was quite a disappointment.  It was boring, shots of buildings with anecdotes narrated by voice-overs, the camera was so, so shaky, and the music was kind of trippy. .  The whole thing made me want to put my head between my knees and cover my ears.  Actually, I kind of did a few times.

Afterwards I tried to solicit the director, but he was squirrely.  I managed to pin him down for a fime later that day, which led to some really messy phone calls trying to get my group together.  On the way down, I called to say we were running a few minutes late.  "That's okay.  We could even do it another day if you wanted."  Yes.  Yes.  Another day.  Why did I not suggest this before?  Because he was so squirrely I was afraid he was going to run away.  But we're actually doing him today.

Day 4 we pushed the morning class meeting an hour earlier, because some of us (mostly me) wanted to see a film that was playing at nine.  We almost did not make it, though, because that turned into the meeting where everyone talks about their feelings.  Honestly, tell us we seriously need to check in, and that we should be responsible enough to take out our own trash, and it's all good.  Don't spend an hour talking about how unappreciated you feel.

We literally ran to the Bunnies (quick like a bunny!)  and made it with plenty of time to spare what with traliers and everything.  I was in such a hurry I did not even grab tissues, so of course this was the first film to make me cry. There's just something about a fluffy animated bunny saying "I love my girlfriend" that makes me really happy.  The part that made me lose it, though, was "Met a girl.  Broke her tree.  Now I feel bad" - "So fix it!" - "Fix it?"  There's a quote from Margaret Atwood about why we cry at hapy endings - because we know they are impossible.  It's just so simple and beautiful and perfect, like life never is!  But it is in bunny world.

After that, though, and even during that, I started feelng like the odd kid out at the party.  Which really shouldn't happen in San Francisco.  But the people who went with me to see the Bunnies didn't want to see it because they thought a bunny with a chainsaw sounded like the coolest thing ever; they wanted to see it to gawk at how weird it was.  And later I tried to get people to go out with me while I took footage of the street, but everyone had gone out for a birthday party th enight before, and was trying to do homework today.  And then no one at all wanted to go to the animated shorts, instead seeing a movie with lots of gay sex where apparently it's not even simulated, they're actually having sex on camera.  Too bad, because the shorts were fantastic.  I just don't have anyone to talk about them with.

And it isn't even that everyone was busy; it's just that people kept saying yes and then changing their minds.  None of them love me more than shopping.  And really, we just met, and all our group cohesiveness is a mutually maintained illusion, because I don't actually know these people, but I like that illusion.  I hope this doesn't turn into Marburg.  This can't turn into Marburg.  It's just a reminder to myself that Marburg is always with me.

At least the weather is nice today.  Cloudy with a high of 62.  No, seriously, I'm really excited.  I'm in the mood for a dreary day, not in a sulky emo way; I find it soothing, sometimes.

Epiphany

I just realized something today.

Yes, Marburg was the worst experience of my life.  I spent nine months clinically depressed.  I failed so many times to establish relationships that I came scarily close to giving up on anything.

But if I had never gone, I never would have been introduced to the anime Princess Tutu.

In fact, I would probably not have rekindled my love of anime at all.  Thanks to my one friend in that country, anime became a lifeline.

Was it worth nine months of depression?  Probably no.  But is it a damn good show?  Yes.  I can finally say that something good came out of that experience.

Note:  This is not a show for people who do not already have a healthy respect for anime.  The first six episodes seem silly and girly and fluffy and weird.  But if you can watch every episode from beginning to end without shedding a tear, you have no soul.

I'm Proud To Be Minnesotan

On Sunday I went to Twin Cities Gay Pride.  (Or LGBTQA...whatever).  This is the first time in my life I have attended a gay event of this magnitude, and the first time in my hometown.

My brother's reaction:  "Yeah, I think I'll sit out."
My dad's reaction:  "Just don't go running off to the Gay 90's  (local gay bar)."
My mom's reaction:  "Sounds fun.  Maybe I'll come too."

Here I have to add a little tangent about books (because it's me, after all).  One of my biggest frustrations with gay-themed teen books from the nineties is that they are all coming out stories (or staying in stories, but those seem to be a fading trend), and very few of them offer any sort of picture of what it is actually like to be out and gay to your family.  In other words, I'm sailing blind.

So to my brother I can say, It's okay, I don't blame you for trying to retain your heterosexual male dignity, to my dad, Umm, I'm not of age and you know I don't like to drink anyway, and to my mom...well.

I had agreed to meet with a friend from college at Pride, and I like to keep my college life and home life separate.  It's just so weird when they intersect.  I was also in my independent teenager  mode, and did not want my mom in my life any more than was absolutely necessary.

But.

How many gay people do you know whose parents are not only willing but actually want to go to Pride with them?  At least among my immediate circle of friends, the answer is depressingly few.  The world is changing, but it has not changed so much that I can take my family's unconditional love and acceptance for granted.  I know too many people in too many situations.

So in the end, I did go with my mom (I needed her to drive me anyway).  Because it is not just the gays that we are celebrating at Pride.  It is our place in the world, a place where we can be free to be who we are, and the people who make that world possible - not just gay people, but our neighbors and friends and families who love us.

It gets better.

Not even in the course of your individual life, but the enitre course of the world is getting better.  Let's stick around and see just how good it can get.