Scheisse! - Ich bin eine Ausländerin.

It is difficult to be a foreigner.  If I have gained one useful thing from this whole experience, I will at least have a better understanding of non-native English speakers in America.

I am one of those people for whom looking stupid is one of the worst fates in the world.  I am terribly self-conscious about my speaking when I am around real Germans.  I know I screw up just about every ending, and that my vocabulary is not that great, and don't get me started on my accent.  However, I take offense when people assume that because I am from America, I am at a certain level of German.  That is to say, not able to pass the DSH 2 exam that allows me to study like a regular student at a German university.  Which I have.  Yes, I'm bragging; I think I deserve it.

I can write very well in German.  I also read German books.  The problem is, that doesn't show when you talk.  People only judge your language proficiency by speech.  Worse, mental capacity is often judged based on oratorial proficiency.  So for instance, if you attempt to make a joke/pun/play on words/clever converstaion piece that worked last week, you might end up with a German kindly explaining a grammar rule to you. 

I do not need the Germans to explain their language to me, considering that I am the one who has made a study of the grammar and rules and probably know the mechanics better than most native speakers.  I need experience.  I need to decipher the Hessian accent, and function in the back-and-forth of normal conversation.  I need to get the courage to make mistakes in front of native speakers, and the reassurance that at least I am understood.  If I need something explained, I will ask - and please explain in German.  Do not immediately grope after the English translation.  I am not some kind of linguistic invalid that needs to be coddled.

The point is:  When confronted by a non-native speaker of your native language, handle yourself thus:
1)  Ignore mistakes, unless you really cannot understand.
2)  If I ask you what you mean, repeat what you said just a little bit slower and clearer.  There are some things the classroom does not prepare one for.  Like regional accents and normal conversation.
3)  If I want a word clarified, look for synonyms or explanations in your language.  Don't fall back on translation.
4)  Assume that I know all the grammar theory already.
5)  Tell me I speak well, or have a good accent, or something.  Even if it's a lie.  I like the reassurance.  And I'm not going to believe you, even if you are telling the truth, so you may as well lie.
6)  Do not patronize.  I can think, you know.  In fact, many people consider me smart.  If you get over the fact that I am a non-native speaker and actually got to know me, you would find out that I have a whole lifetime of experiences, some of which might even be interesting.  A foreigner is not a tabula rasa.
7)  And remember:  My English is better than yours.

Because I am handling a language that is not native to me, I lack the shading and inflection that comes naturally to you. That does not mean I lack emotion or opinion.  Because I have a hard time expressing myself, that does not mean that there is nothing going on inside me.  Seriously people - don't judge.  This is a case of putting yourself in someone else's shoes.  Personally, I think everyone needs to experience being a stupid foreigner (being a tourist doesn't count; you're already stupid) at least once in their life.

The Language Barrier

I am an American, but I am currently doing a semester abroad in Germany.  I have been here about four weeks, and still do not feel like I have settled in.  I have the essentials down by now - food, laundry, bus routes, school supplies - but I am still lacking something that actually ties me here.  All my friends are foreign.  I also have a borderline social phobia when it comes to talking to strangers.

You see, here is the greatest irony of my life:

I am good at languages.  Not super-genius-can-pick-up-a-new-language-in-five-minutes, but I am pretty damn good.  Even with English - I learned how to read Scout Finch style, without being taught.  I don't remember a time before I could read.  I already knew all the words on the vocabulary lists and aced every spelling test without even studying. 

When I got to middle and high school and started learning Spanish, and then German, it was the same way.  I understood language better than the others.  New vocab?  Don't even bother to study.  By the end of class, I'll have it down.  While others struggled with adjective agreement and case endings, I saw the logic in it. An insane, often contradictory logic, but there was a definite pattern that I saw and understood.

Now here's the ironic part.

Language is all about communication.  I am awesome at languages.  I suck at communication. 

I had no friends as a child.  I exaggerate only slightly.  I did not socialize.  I sat quietly in a corner by myself and read.  Which, if the adults are to be believed, is apparently a sign of maturity, rather than social retardation.  My theory is that it took me about eight years to get over the culture shock of being thrown into kindergarten.

In any case, though I am able to function at a mostly normal level by now, I am still very quiet and slow to trust others with my words.  Words are personal.  Words are my soul.  It's also why I don't let people read my stories, not even my most trusted friends, especially my most trusted friends.  When you read something, you make it your own.  I am not yet ready to give away myself like that.

This was really just a roundabout way of complaining that I have no friends in Germany, and it's my own stupid fault for not talking to people.  The fact that it's German is not even a problem.  The language barrier is that I just don't know what to say, in any language.  Something interesting.  Something the other person will like.  Something that will let me know if I like the other person.  Something not too personal and dangerous for them to know if it turns out I don't.

Still to come:  Thoughts on reading, and on writing.  Having friends.  And what my dangerous secrets that I don't want strangers to know are.