Love

Everything there is to say about love has already been said.  However, I have not said everything I have to say.

Love is that feeling you get when someone looks at you, merely looks at you and recognizes you, and you feel like you're going to throw up or burst into tears or simply explode, because how dare they give you the hope of an actual relationship.  How dare you actually even think of one.  You would be lucky enough to become mere passing acquaintances - any deeper of a relationship, and you would likely discover that this person is not nearly so wonderful as you imagine them to be, or worse, they would discover that you are nothing special after all.

Some people believe that we are all half-people searching for our other half so that we can become whole.  I don't buy that.  The place in my heart that hurts is not a lack, not a hole, not some kind of void that needs to be filled.  It is a promise, no, less than a promise.  It is a potential.  A possibility.  That even though I am a whole person now, I might still be able to join with another person and make my life even more wonderful than it is now.  I don't need another person in order to live a happy and fulfilling life. 

That doesn't mean it never hurts.  Considering I equate love with nausea, it most definitely hurts.  And I'm sick of this awkward dance of trying to spend more time with a person while not letting them know what effect their presence has on you.  I'm apparently good at hiding my feelings.  It makes me wonder:  It seems like we're never on the receiving end.  But what if we are and we just don't know?  And how would you react if you found out someone you hardly knew felt nauseous around you?

Sometimes I wish that we were birds who had an inborn mating dance.  It would be so much simpler instead of trying to comply to unspoken rules learned from the media and the behavior of acquaintances.  For instance, it is not socially acceptable to ask someone the second time you meet them:  "Are you gay?  I think I might have a crush on you, but I'd like to be certain first.  And if you want to be just friends, that's fine too, mostly I'd just like to know."  Or:  "You're really pretty.  And I'd probably be killed in your country for saying that."  Or:  "I know you're gay and single, and I don't know much else about you, but let's go out and see what happens, because you look like you might be interesting."

Oh yes, I have extra risk when professing my love.  If you are straight, you have a 90% the other person will at least consider going out with you.  If you aren't, there's also a good chance that your object of affection will be squicked out at worst, accepting but emotionally unable to reciprocate at best.  Plus you have to go through the extra step of finding out if a person might potentially not be straight, instead of simply being able to see a gender.

Essentially, this post boils down to:  Why are there so many interesting straight girls?  Why is it so hard to tell straight girls from gay ones?  Why does society and the media try to tell you that a lover is a necessity in life?  Why do I want to be in love?  And why does being in love have to be so uncomfortable?

Right now I have the excuse that I'm only here temporarily to keep myself from investing my emotions too deeply, but once I get home it will be only my fear holding me back.